Cynthia's Style Guide!

The guide books don't have answers to everything. It's to the point that I've decided to develop something called Cynthia's Style Guide for the Twenty-First Century. Loosely based on more traditional guides like Emily Post or Debrett's, it is also an updated version which fits today's modern society. It is very difficult to find out how to address blended families in the traditional guides. While etiquette books do update every few years, some rules seem to remain the same, even though society has changed. Don't you find it interesting that though Emily Post's books have updated to include what to do for women who've kept their last names, but didn't bother to change the rule to make it okay to include a woman's given name if she HAS changed her last name (a lot of younger married women complain about this)? In Cynthia's Guide, both would be considered correct. As we are becoming a greener society, it is also fine to include unmarried adult children living at home in the same invitation, though unmarried adults living away will receive his or her own (this apparently goes against Chinese tradition, but whatever).

So here are some of my rules (these rules assume that no inner envelope is used):

To a married couple where the wife has taken her husband's name:

Mr. John and Mrs. Mary Smith (or Mr. and Mrs. John Smith)


Married couple where the wife has kept her name:

Mr. John Smith and Ms. Mary Jones

An unmarried couple living together will be addressed the same way. Some guides say that the guy's name is always first, but you can put whomever you know better.

Married couple where the wife has a hyphenated her last name (or has a double last name):

Mr. John Smith and Ms. Mary Jones-Smith (or Ms. Mary Jones Smith)

Same-sex couples:

Mr. Simon Brown and Mr. Evan Harris (Ms. for women)

The traditional family:

Mr. John and Mrs. Mary Smith
Kate and Robert (last name and courtesy titles optional)

(it is assumed that the children have the same last name as their father in this case. Follow the rules for married couples when addressing envelopes).

Unmarried couples with kids: same as above.

Women with a different last name as their kids: Include the kids' last name(s)

e.g. Ms. Jennifer Smith
Laura and Robert Jones

It's best to include the kids' names, but if there are many, the parents names and family is fine.
If you decide to use courtesy titles, you can:

Mr. John and Mrs. Mary Smith
Miss (or Ms.) Laura and Mr. Robert Smith (family with a boy and a girl)

Mr. John and Mrs. Mary Smith
Misses Laura and Stephanie Smith (two+ girls)

Mr. John and Mrs. Mary Smith
Messrs. Robert and David Smith

Widowed women:

Mrs. Mary Smith (or Ms. Mary Smith or whatever she was called while her husband was still alive)

Divorced women:

Ms. Mary Jones

Professional titles:

The person with the professional title goes first. So, if the wife is a doctor and the husband is not, her name is first.

E.g. Doctor Louisa and Mr. Benjamin Wong

When both the husband and wife are doctors:

Doctors Albert and Marissa Cohen

When both are doctors and the wife has a different last name:

Doctor Michael Chan and Doctor Elise James

While many of these rules will probably be considered "inappropriate" by traditional standards, we are in a new century and should have new rules.

Proper in One Culture but not the Other...

What do you do in this case? As you readers probaly know, I was raised/exposed primarily to western culture, especially when it comes to manners. I only recently found out that some things I was taught (in an Emily Post sort of way) was actually considered rude in traditional Chinese culture - especially with the elderly. For example, I was told, literally just two days ago, that it was improper to address invitations sent to my grandparents as Mr. and Mrs. It HAS to go to "Grandfather" or "Grandmother." I was taught that something like this goes into an inner envelope, if I have one (and I don't). The outer envelope, the one that the post office sees, should be Mr. and/or Mrs. or Ms. What should I do? Any advice?

It's interesting that many non-Chinese multiculturalists expect people like me to know all about Chinese etiquette. I do not. In fact, most Jook Sings do not.

More on Music....(the bride's entrance)

What's a better bride procession piece:

Hornpipe (Handel):



or

Mouret's Rondeau (aka theme from Masterpiece Theatre):



Both pieces will be played by a violinist, a cellist and a keyboardist. Also, if I decide on Hornpipe, would it be (ummmm) too much Handel? I am also having a soloist sing Where'er You Walk.

Flowergirl Dresses....

Why, oh, why are they so expensive? One of the dresses I liked was about the same cost as many bridesmaid dresses! I have to admit that I'm being a little more picky, because my flower girl is NOT going to wear white (she will be wearing lavendar, since darker purple can look harsh on a four year old), but still, a kid's dress shouldn't be like $175!

In other news, we pretty much have all our vendors in place as we signed our florist this week. Next step? Menu tastings!